idk

A confession of a confused soul...
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life

People... people change.
I... I change too. It's just not as noticeable to me, because I am the one changing, and it's over a slower period of time.

I notice when other people change and some times I get upset.

I don't notice when I change, and I get upset when people keep telling me I'm different.

The other day, I went "back in time" for a while, and read some stuff from a few years back, and looked at pictures, and stuff I had written and promised myself and others.

It made me sad.

I now realize a lot:

I'm a liar; I'm a hypocrite; I've cheated; I've stabbed people in the back; I've rejected; I've shunned; I've corrupted; I've manipulated; I've hurt; I've ruined; I've burned bridges; I've made promises, then destroyed them; I've broken vows; I've abandoned; I've forgotten; I've started to hate; I've not forgiven; I've changed.


...
.......
...
.......
...


I don't really know why I'm writing this blog.

Everyone can read it.

And know how I feel.

And I can gurantee you at least 1 person will be like "Are you okay? I'm here for you!"


I don't really have a point in this...
I'm just sad...

And I guess I'm venting to whoever reads this.

I apologize for all I've done to all of you... and to those of you who never read this...

I'm really truly sorry... You'll never know how exactly I feel. I know you've moved on, and you know I've moved on from who I was...


I'm different.

I don't know what exactly has affected me this way, causing me to become what I am now, but I am what I am...


I've ruined so much... killed so much... destroyed so many relationships.

And for what?

Nothing.






Why do I keep spacing things out so much?

Is it because I have nothing to say?

Or because I'm thinking?

Or trying to delay the inevitable?





I am a patron saint of lost causes...


None will know.









Why am I like this?

I don't regret some of the things I've done... Some of my changes... my mutations...

My past tends to haunt me... but now looking at it... at the "good ol' days", there was so much good in them too... but they make me so sad... So broken. So empty. There is a hole inside me that nothing can fill. An abyss...

The other day when I looked at you... I saw it in your eyes. A fear... a pain. A loss... but for a gain.

A heart burned away... by fires of hate. A tear slips away... now... what remains? What is left??


I can't keep going on like this, while there is so much pain...

So much decay... loss... decomposition...

In confusion I'll run amiss...

But if I keep my aim...


I'll reach something...

BUT WHAT?!

I don't know.

Why run?



Why keep going?


What's my motivation? What's the cause? I don't know... I don't know why I ask all these questions... Why does it matter...



So let mercy come and wash away what I've done.

I face myself, to cross out what I've become. Erase myself... forgetting what I've done...



Thank you.

Just Checkin in... 2.10.08

Hey guys... so yea... as you can tell i deleted a bunch of random posts, and i WAS planning on killing all of them, but i didnt wanna take the time...
so basically i dont really blog that much anymore... i mostly do myspace and stuff... but i mean i still like blogs...

so anyways, ill just summarize all thats important that you need to know.


I now have 4 myspaces, but 2 of them are secret identities... lol muahaha. so anyways yea

www.myspace.com/rcjrmusic - the music artist RC JR
www.myspace.com/rcjr44 - the RC, not artist RC JR, but just the casual normal RC guy...


i also do photobucket, "mooseleader", but my pics r random crap i use for my myspace usually...

um wat else do i do? o yea IM


lol

AIM - RCJRMusic
Yahoo - leaderofthemoose
xFire - rcjunior
Myspace IM - just add me on my pages above, but my sn is 'rcjr44'
Skype - MooseLeader



um o yea im writing music.


i have an "album"... lol


so yea its not rlly published, and every time i record a new song if its good i usually add it to the 'album' and every once and a while i nix a song i think isnt good enough or rerecord an oldie... lol so yea.


my most recent NEW song is ''jazz improv"... as its name implies its me BSing with jazz chords. there are a ton of diff variations i do, but i just recorded one...


most recent song w/ words is "action of regret".

i recorded it, and it was RLLY bad...
thats the version you all heard.


BUT
recently i rerecorded it, and now the final version is on my music page. it looks like its on there twice, but one is instrumental and the other one isnt.


lol yea. so not all my songs are on the internet ANYMORE DUE TO SOME PEOPLE UM... RYAN AVELLA GARETH SMITH DREW GOCAL ETC ETC tht were um DOWNLOADING them illegally and tormenting me at school... so yea i only put them up every once and a while... hahaa


so yea...



but eventually when i feel satisfied with the 'album' (which has been so CREATIVELY dubbed "RC JR - The Album"), i will most likely upload ALL of them to the internet...


there are also 'shrouded songs'... tht are hidden and WONT be on the INTERNET ever save a few good ones... lol


but yea im also working on an album cover, im using photoshop and i hav a friend doin some other thing idk wat lol its crazy multicolored pixelated pics of me...

lol eventually we'll get a good one and keep it.


so yea then when its totally done ill stop adding stuff to it, and it will forever remain 'RC JR - The Album"...

but unchanged lol...

so yea even then it wont rlly be an album...


but maybe one day if i get enough mulas i can get a cheap record deal so i can get myself on iTunes.


lol rite now thts my first goal...

iTunes...


once i get there then ill continue on. so yea


g2g.

ttyl peeps