idk

A confession of a confused soul...
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life

People... people change.
I... I change too. It's just not as noticeable to me, because I am the one changing, and it's over a slower period of time.

I notice when other people change and some times I get upset.

I don't notice when I change, and I get upset when people keep telling me I'm different.

The other day, I went "back in time" for a while, and read some stuff from a few years back, and looked at pictures, and stuff I had written and promised myself and others.

It made me sad.

I now realize a lot:

I'm a liar; I'm a hypocrite; I've cheated; I've stabbed people in the back; I've rejected; I've shunned; I've corrupted; I've manipulated; I've hurt; I've ruined; I've burned bridges; I've made promises, then destroyed them; I've broken vows; I've abandoned; I've forgotten; I've started to hate; I've not forgiven; I've changed.


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I don't really know why I'm writing this blog.

Everyone can read it.

And know how I feel.

And I can gurantee you at least 1 person will be like "Are you okay? I'm here for you!"


I don't really have a point in this...
I'm just sad...

And I guess I'm venting to whoever reads this.

I apologize for all I've done to all of you... and to those of you who never read this...

I'm really truly sorry... You'll never know how exactly I feel. I know you've moved on, and you know I've moved on from who I was...


I'm different.

I don't know what exactly has affected me this way, causing me to become what I am now, but I am what I am...


I've ruined so much... killed so much... destroyed so many relationships.

And for what?

Nothing.






Why do I keep spacing things out so much?

Is it because I have nothing to say?

Or because I'm thinking?

Or trying to delay the inevitable?





I am a patron saint of lost causes...


None will know.









Why am I like this?

I don't regret some of the things I've done... Some of my changes... my mutations...

My past tends to haunt me... but now looking at it... at the "good ol' days", there was so much good in them too... but they make me so sad... So broken. So empty. There is a hole inside me that nothing can fill. An abyss...

The other day when I looked at you... I saw it in your eyes. A fear... a pain. A loss... but for a gain.

A heart burned away... by fires of hate. A tear slips away... now... what remains? What is left??


I can't keep going on like this, while there is so much pain...

So much decay... loss... decomposition...

In confusion I'll run amiss...

But if I keep my aim...


I'll reach something...

BUT WHAT?!

I don't know.

Why run?



Why keep going?


What's my motivation? What's the cause? I don't know... I don't know why I ask all these questions... Why does it matter...



So let mercy come and wash away what I've done.

I face myself, to cross out what I've become. Erase myself... forgetting what I've done...



Thank you.