Good Luck

"He’s drifting in the sea, when a screaming symphony tells him that he’s drowning.
All the lights fade away.
And the last thing he heard her say: goodbye, I love you, and good luck!
The darkness of the sea surrounds him as he sinks.
The light shines through the water, and slowly fades away.
The love of his life has lost him this day.
Goodbye, I love you, and good luck! Good luck, my love.
Drowning, surrounded and entwined by the sea.
He’s drowning.
Goodbye, I love you, and good luck!
Good luck, my love."
(Off the in progress "Good Luck" album, my new song, also titled "Good Luck".)

Revitalized?

Revitalized?
Category: Life

I’ve been talking about how I’m a new person...

I’ll let you know now and up front that I’m still the same guy...

So if I go through a tough time and have a low, and post some really depressing "emo" blog...

DO NOT FREAK ON ME, ALRIGHT??!!!

Yes, I am starting over.

Yes, I’m a new person... I have motivation, I have drive, I have reason, I’ve set things straight.


BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN THAT THE OTHER PART OF ME IS TOTALLY GONE!

SO, if I’m sad because I screwed up, don’t slam me because I said I was different. I am... but it takes trial and error to change...


just keep that in mind. I’m not trying to justify screwing up by any means, but I’m just throwing that thought out there just in case anyone tries to bash me if I mess up again...

Writings in the Night...

Writings in the night...
Current mood: apathetic
Category: Life

I wrote this last night... when I was supposed to be asleep... in a notebook... so now I’m putting it on here... not sure why...

"3.23.08
Tonight is much like many other nights in the past. Refusing to sleep, for fear of what dreams my traitorous mind may conjure up. Sleep... a fascinating concept, relly... A way in which to escape the world and all ones problems. But at the same time risking them [ones problems] being worse and manifest in dreams. Dreams... The mind’s way of coping, the mind’s drug. Though not addictive, one may long for a dream just as any addict for his doom. In many different ways as well. One may desire for a peaceful, serence dream, another violence and death. Yet another, sinful pleasure. Then the norm for yours truly... ANYTHING that isn’t reality or even relatively close. Soon, I will question why I’m writing this. Maybe I’ll put it on MySpace and expose my personal venting... Or maybe I’ll rip it up and burn it as a symbolic metaphor to my freedom... Are my parents listening? Wait... To what? Pen writing on paper Or are they even aware of my activity as of now? Does anyone really care? I’ll admit, my life isn’t as bad as you may think I try to cut it out to be. But do know there is more than meets the eye. Then once you read the book, and judge its contents, there is the fine print, the hidden codes, the last pages, rejected chapters. So don’t think you ever completely know me for one second! Wow. I feel like I’m hiding. In my bed, writing by the light of my iPod. And for what? To entertain my thoughts? NO. Let it be known to all that I don’t enjoy thinking about 90% of the things I do most of the time.
Tonight is much like any other night. Desiring sleep... Longing to be freed of my thoughts. Afraid of letting them loose inside my head as I sleep. Condenscending... Condenscending upon whether or not it’s me or my head. My murderous mind. Always plotting to kill me. I’ve now switched to light of handheld system for sight... I want to keep writing but I have not but rants within. Except one ting. You know who you are- thanks. I need it. Good night."

And then I wrote this as soon as I woke up.

"3-24-08
Just as an addict cries out for his poisen, I yearn to be heard. Several people have met the need (you know who you are), and I sincerly thank both of you. Though, I do not want everyone to truly "know" me... I mourn for those who don’t. Not because you don’t "know" me, but because you think you do, and are satisfied with your relationship with me. Sure, I could flat out open up TO you and show you the real "me", but out of love for you I won’t. Ignorance is bliss, my friend, and knowing nothing continually proves itself better than knowing all. Yes, I want you to know me, but opening up to you myself is not a chance I am willing to take. It may be extremely selfish, but I have reasons. So many a friend have I lost by just being real with them... So many a rumor has spread about me, sometimes even my friends, sparked by someone I thought I could trust, somebody that thought they knew me. My reasons may seem only self-centered, but I assure you, in ways I cannot and will not explain now, they are not.
I must say that this whole thing I’ve been putting off recently is slighty hypocritical. I’m basically telling you to work hard and pry and examine and dissect ME to try to get to know the REAL me. To you it may not seem worth it... and I will not argue my worth... I will admit I do NOT examine and work hard and pry and dissect all my friends to get to know them... Save a few... When I just get a feeling that they need me, or vice versa. So let it be known I am NOT telling you to follow my example. I beg of you: do not. I don’t want to ruin more people...
I’m torn between a somewhat decent reputation, and lots of ignorant friends that care about me, or a horrible reputation, and a few knowing friends that care about me, and understand. I find myself running to the wrong people. Why am I running at all? To where? To whom? Nothing. I run to die."


Look deep into my words... the metaphors and imagery I use are not just to fill up space. Each word and phrase has a meaning... Look deeper than the first few layers you see... please.

Look into my eyes...

Look into my eyes....
Current mood: betrayed
Category: lost Life

for what am i so torn?
i have naught to be torn about...
my neck hurts and my eyes burn... my heart pounds constantly with its ever steady rhythm...
my soul aches...

i have so much within me to say...

but no words with which to express them...

i am so... liquid... viscous... inconsistent...
I practice hypocracy... unintentionally... but even so.

what masquerade do i claim ownership to? none! yet i am so devoted... so loyal as to maintaining my idiosyncratic likeness, but even paronomasias cannot define my reasoning.

i know not why i am what i am...


The fact the i am so different in reality from what i portray here in this cyberland causes many of you to believe me a hypocrite... some dub me emo, others 'wanna-be-emo'.

Hear me on this, i am not a 'wanna-be-emo'. i don't label myself. if slapping a tag on me satisfies your cravings go ahead. you call me a mask-wearer, BUT KNOW THIS:

the "mask" you see here... the "mask" you see on myspace, on the internet, this isn't a mask... this is RC unveiled... the "unmasked" me you see everyday... he is the mask-wearer... he hides behind his humor, his coarse jokes.


you see me at school, you see me at the mall, you see me here you see me there, you see me "happy"... you see me laughing...


have you EVER once looked me in the eye? i bet my life on it that if you were brave enough to stare me in the eyes... that YOU were the one who broke eye contact...


no one looks beyond the cover...

yes dont label a book by its cover... but you may look inside, you may see the 'foreward', or a summary of the book... but you can't label the book by those either... just because you think you've o' so brilliantly took heed to the maxim by looking inside, dont think that the FIRST THING YOU SEE IS WHAT IS THERE... i'll hvae you know ITS NOT...


people constantly say to me on myspace, 'wow you arent this emo in real life! haha jk jk'...


HAHA?

JK?
JK?

WHAT?

why do you laugh at me?!

in real life, i lie to you.



in real life i disguise myself... you may not understand, but willingly opening myself up to you is sooooo dangerous...


i'll try to make this as monosyllabic as possible:


what you see of me in person isn't really me. what you read and see and hear of me on the internet isn't me either... but it's CLOSER to me than the bs mask you see in person...


no one ever looks me straight in the eyes... if they do its rarely a second...


why? i don't know...

is it because you are afraid? do i scare you?

take what you will from this...

but i ask you now...


take time to look me deep in the eyes...

dont make a deal out of it... dont tell me you are...

just look deep in my blue eyes...

and tell me...

what do you see?













loss... longing... temporary satisfaction maybe at times... anger... starvation... a moribund soul... a lie?

i gurantee to you that even those of you who think you know me...


YOU DON'T.


my closest friends...


i love you people,


but, you miss the point...


even when i open up to you there is so much i hide... so much you dont see... so much you cant tell...

i'm screaming for something...


but sometimes for your sake knowing nothing is better than knowing it all...












just remember that...


next time you see me...




stare into my eyes... if i see you, i'll stare back...





look beyond the happy little son of a preacher you think i am...





what do you see?