Writings in the Night...

Writings in the night...
Current mood: apathetic
Category: Life

I wrote this last night... when I was supposed to be asleep... in a notebook... so now I’m putting it on here... not sure why...

"3.23.08
Tonight is much like many other nights in the past. Refusing to sleep, for fear of what dreams my traitorous mind may conjure up. Sleep... a fascinating concept, relly... A way in which to escape the world and all ones problems. But at the same time risking them [ones problems] being worse and manifest in dreams. Dreams... The mind’s way of coping, the mind’s drug. Though not addictive, one may long for a dream just as any addict for his doom. In many different ways as well. One may desire for a peaceful, serence dream, another violence and death. Yet another, sinful pleasure. Then the norm for yours truly... ANYTHING that isn’t reality or even relatively close. Soon, I will question why I’m writing this. Maybe I’ll put it on MySpace and expose my personal venting... Or maybe I’ll rip it up and burn it as a symbolic metaphor to my freedom... Are my parents listening? Wait... To what? Pen writing on paper Or are they even aware of my activity as of now? Does anyone really care? I’ll admit, my life isn’t as bad as you may think I try to cut it out to be. But do know there is more than meets the eye. Then once you read the book, and judge its contents, there is the fine print, the hidden codes, the last pages, rejected chapters. So don’t think you ever completely know me for one second! Wow. I feel like I’m hiding. In my bed, writing by the light of my iPod. And for what? To entertain my thoughts? NO. Let it be known to all that I don’t enjoy thinking about 90% of the things I do most of the time.
Tonight is much like any other night. Desiring sleep... Longing to be freed of my thoughts. Afraid of letting them loose inside my head as I sleep. Condenscending... Condenscending upon whether or not it’s me or my head. My murderous mind. Always plotting to kill me. I’ve now switched to light of handheld system for sight... I want to keep writing but I have not but rants within. Except one ting. You know who you are- thanks. I need it. Good night."

And then I wrote this as soon as I woke up.

"3-24-08
Just as an addict cries out for his poisen, I yearn to be heard. Several people have met the need (you know who you are), and I sincerly thank both of you. Though, I do not want everyone to truly "know" me... I mourn for those who don’t. Not because you don’t "know" me, but because you think you do, and are satisfied with your relationship with me. Sure, I could flat out open up TO you and show you the real "me", but out of love for you I won’t. Ignorance is bliss, my friend, and knowing nothing continually proves itself better than knowing all. Yes, I want you to know me, but opening up to you myself is not a chance I am willing to take. It may be extremely selfish, but I have reasons. So many a friend have I lost by just being real with them... So many a rumor has spread about me, sometimes even my friends, sparked by someone I thought I could trust, somebody that thought they knew me. My reasons may seem only self-centered, but I assure you, in ways I cannot and will not explain now, they are not.
I must say that this whole thing I’ve been putting off recently is slighty hypocritical. I’m basically telling you to work hard and pry and examine and dissect ME to try to get to know the REAL me. To you it may not seem worth it... and I will not argue my worth... I will admit I do NOT examine and work hard and pry and dissect all my friends to get to know them... Save a few... When I just get a feeling that they need me, or vice versa. So let it be known I am NOT telling you to follow my example. I beg of you: do not. I don’t want to ruin more people...
I’m torn between a somewhat decent reputation, and lots of ignorant friends that care about me, or a horrible reputation, and a few knowing friends that care about me, and understand. I find myself running to the wrong people. Why am I running at all? To where? To whom? Nothing. I run to die."


Look deep into my words... the metaphors and imagery I use are not just to fill up space. Each word and phrase has a meaning... Look deeper than the first few layers you see... please.